Two weeks and counting. I am almost 11 weeks old. That’s right. Full-blown puppy toddler. And I’m having fun most of the time. And continuing to drive my new family crazy a lot of the time. But I think they love me at least some of the time. Progress all around.
I heard my mom say that I am like a rollercoaster ride. If I’m being honest, it’s hard to disagree with that analogy. I’m up, I’m down, I go ’round in circles, and sometimes make my family want to scream. Yes, that’s me in a nutshell.
It’s been a week of the good, the bad and the ugly.
(1) I have figured out that the more I follow the “sit,” “focus” and “down” commands, the more training treats I get. When it comes to execution, no puppy does those commands better than moi.
(2) I’ve made it through two non-consecutive days this week without squatting in the house and leaving a present on the floor.
(3) I have a new girlfriend. Sorry, Laura the Trainer, you’ve been replaced by the lovely dog you brought to our house the other night. She’s older, bigger and wiser than me. And so beautiful. She let me sniff her butt. And I tried out my sexy humping movement on her, except she must think I’m very dopey. I have since learned that I was thrusting in the wrong place. No matter. The night I met this lovely four-legged creature was the best night of my life.
(4) I got to visit my friends at the vet’s office the other day. I don’t understand why other dogs dislike the vet so much. The humans who work there tell me how cute I am. And I got to stand on the scale again because neurotic human mom wanted to make sure I was gaining weight. Of course I’m gaining weight! I’m bigger and stronger than I’ve ever been.
(1) Eating raw meat is now a distant memory, which makes my new human mom very happy, but not me. On the bright side, she has lots of guilt about forcing this diet change on me. And to assuage her guilt, she always throws in a few pieces of frozen raw kibble she bought at the pet store. Yummy in my tummy.
(2) I’ve survived several car rides. Barely. Laura told human mom that she should make sure I’m secure in the car when we drive around town. This news did not make me happy, I tell you. Human mom drives this tiny red car as if it were a Porsche. I can’t sit still and I just want to crawl into human mom’s lap, close my eyes and pray I live to see another treat. But the lap is out of the question. So I’m stuck in the passenger seat desperately trying to think happy thoughts instead of wondering if this is what doomsday feels like.
(3) Human mom dragged me to the groomer the other day. All in the name of socialization. What a nightmare. Stuck in a tiny cage only to be taken out and tortured with a bath, a brush, nail clippers and a hair dryer. After two hours, I was about ready to faint from the stress, but human mom came to rescue me from my captors. And after I settled down and had a look at myself in the window, I realized that all the suffering paid off. My seductive green eyes are now on full view.
(1) Having a day without accidents in the house is exhausting. After I managed to successfully do it the first time, I made up for it the following day by peeing, pooping and puking in the house. A trifecta. A symphony of orifice excretions. It was admittedly not my best moment. I will try not to do it again. Promise.
(2) Human clothes are still so damn tasty. And human skin, too. I can’t control myself. And I know I need to stop my bad behavior. But it’s a horrible addiction. Human mom has about had it with my mouth and puppy teeth. Her sweater now has company. She’s tried everything from ignoring me to stomping her feet to yelling a couple of times. Talk about sending mixed signals. She’s getting it all wrong. She’s running out of ideas and I can’t help her. What the hell do I know except what tastes good? Maybe I need methadone. Or more treats.