It’s me, Truffle, your favorite super labradoodle. I’m sorry it’s been two long weeks since I last hijacked this blog, but I’ve been extremely busy growing. Just think, I’m 14 weeks old now, which is essentially the equivalent of two years in human time (for those of you who struggle with math, that’s 14 weeks x 7, or 98 weeks). That makes me a toddler. Need I say more?
I’m feeling a little nostalgic. My days with my favorite trainer, Laura, are officially over. Unless I become a holy terror and require remedial training. As tempting as it would be to sabotage all of the progress I’ve made in order to see her again, I’m too much of a perfectionist to do it. My reputation as a smart dog is at stake, you know?
On that note, I have a message for you, human mom. You think I do not understand English. But my vocabulary has grown exponentially since I’ve joined the family. I am proud to say that I am in full command (pun intended) of the commands sit, down, focus, drop, leave it, fetch and come. In addition, I predict that by the end of the week I will know what roll over, paw and curb mean. So, when you call me a ‘dumb ass,’ guess what? It hurts my feelings. You may think it’s some passive-aggressive term of endearment, but don’t you realize that you’re belittling me? You don’t know how lucky you are to have a dog with brains and brawn, and a tough skin.
I still have issues with impulse control. I’m truly making an effort not to nip at my human family and I’ve improved. I still love velcro. I’d eat an entire bully stick in an hour if the humans would let me (more on bully sticks below). I scarf down my food in less than three minutes. I still chew on the leash when it’s my witching hour. I am a puppy, after all.
I’m sure you’re all itching to know what other wonderful milestones Super Truffle has reached since my last report. They’re too numerous to mention, but here are the highlights:
(1) I can say without smirking that I am essentially housebroken. No accidents in a long time. I have noticed a marked improvement in my human mom’s demeanor (aside from the snide ‘dumb ass’ comments), now that I’m better at controlling my bladder and bowel.
(2) I’m allowed to go on walks around the neighborhood now. Who’d have thought there’s a whole world to explore beyond the backyard? I’ve met a few other dogs who are cute, but not nearly as cute as me. The highlights of the walks, however, are the throngs of humans who crowd around to shamelessly admire me. I tell you, they’d ask me for autographs if I could sign my name.
(3) My human family just had a fence installed in the backyard. I think this means that I may be allowed to run around off-leash. Hey, human mom! What the hell are you waiting for? Let me off the leash for crying out loud!
(4) I have discovered the ecstasy of chewing on deer and elk antlers. They are scrumptious. Not as yummy as bully sticks, but I’ll take what I can get. Did you know bully sticks are made from bulls’ penises? Yes, you read that correctly. Sophie and Chloe think that’s hysterical. But what do they know? They also think Chinese food is the cat’s meow. I tried a piece of broccoli from the Chinese restaurant the other night (it fell on the floor and I was there to pounce on it) and seriously, I just don’t get the appeal.
(5) At night, I am sleeping longer in my crate. Said crate is starting to grow on me. I wasn’t too happy when Sophie decided to test it out for herself. The sign on the crate says “chien psychopathe.” That’s means me, not her. Oh, and human mom, I know what “chien psychopathe” means, too. I’m bilingual, thank you very much. You may think that sign is funny, but it’s actually quite insulting. Along the same lines as ‘dumb ass.’
(6) I’m patiently allowing Sophie to teach me roll over. She’s been so kind to me, I think it’s important to empower her as a future dog trainer. That command is for her and her alone. When my human mom tried to get me to do it the other day, she failed miserably. Who’s the dumb ass now? But Sophie has the magic touch. I really like that girl. I’d do anything for her.
(7) I met the woman who is going to take care of me when my family abandons me for the Thanksgiving orgy. Her name is Camille and she seems very nice. I think I heard human mom say that my two canine cousins would be staying here, too. Not sure how I feel about them invading my space. But if they’re playful, it might be fun. As long as they don’t eat my food.