Get your dancing shoes on, folks! “I’m Sexy and I Know It” is the theme for today’s blog post.
I am a handsome and confident male puppy who’s sowing his wild oats and is very hot to trot. I am full of testosterone. I’ve perfected my leg-lifting peeing skills. More important, since the first of the year, I have mastered the fine art of humping.
Some say humping is indicative of a dog’s desire to dominate. That may very well be true. But not in my case. I hump because I’m horny. It’s as simple as that. I’m particularly fond of humping my human mom’s leg. It’s just the right height and width for humping. But she doesn’t like it one bit – she thinks it’s rude. Not to mention perverse for me to display interspecies horniness. She shouldn’t feel too singled out, however. I also hump my best friend Tony. No matter that he’s also a male dog. I’m an equal opportunity humper and he doesn’t seem to mind. Frankly, I’d hump tree trunks if I could…hmm, there’s an idea.
My human family has taken to chanting “humpy puppy” in faux-sexy Barry White-type voices when I demonstrate my manhood. I can’t tell if they’re making fun of me or cheering me on. I think it’s the former. I don’t really appreciate their mocking me.
In Other Super Truffle News
I let the cat out of the bag the other day when I showed off my stair mastery skills. I’ve been going down the stairs on our deck since I was a little tyke. But until the other day, I always let my human family carry me down the stairs inside the house. My human mom was getting concerned, however, that as I continued to grow and become sexier, they’d no longer be able to carry me down the steps. She decided it was time to show me how.
Anticipating that I’d cower in fear, she put me on a leash and had treats at the ready. But I couldn’t pretend any longer. I’m like a beautiful peacock, waiting for just the right moment to reveal my true colors. I had to show off. I flew down the stairs, my butt swaying in the air with confidence. My human mom was very excited for about three seconds, until her brain started working again and she realized that I’d probably been able to do this for weeks. I tried to tell her – using my impressive dog to human ESP powers – that I kept it a secret for so long only because I loved being carried by everyone. She wasn’t having any of it. She felt betrayed. My ego has now cost me my daily early-morning cuddle ride down the stairs. Shame on me for not being a little more strategic about the whole thing. They say pride is one of the seven deadly sins. I’m in serious trouble.
I’ve also lost most of my puppy teeth, a development that makes my human family extremely happy. They were getting mighty sick of my mouthiness. I don’t think they budgeted for all the clothes they’d need to replace because of the gaping holes caused by my super sharp puppy teeth. Now that my blunter adult teeth have started to come in, the humans aren’t as intimidated by me. This is one area where the evolution from puppy to adult is ass-backwards. Shouldn’t my teeth get sharper as I get sexier?
I love my treats. My human family has been very generous with training treats since I arrived here 15 weeks ago. The other night my favorite Sophie prepared, with lots of love and care, a HUGE bag of treats to be used the following day and the day after that. The next morning, the bag was sitting at the edge of the counter and the temptation was just too great. Even though I had just enjoyed my scrumptious Orijen breakfast, I grabbed the bag and ate every last crumb. Human mom was predictably upset. She imagined a mess coming out both ends. But I was fine. Because I’m Super Truffle and I have a stomach fit for a king.
They say gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins. Which means that I’m already 2 for 7. And I’m only five months old. This is not a good sign.
Hide and Seek
In an effort to ensure that I’m mentally stimulated at all times, because apparently I’m Harvard-bound in a few years, human mom and my favorite Sophie have started to teach me hide and seek with my toys. I think it has the potential to be a fun game, but they haven’t really challenged me yet because they “hide” the toy in plain sight. Duh. Sometimes they really underestimate my intelligence.
I am Super Truffle. And from here on out I will heretofore be known as Super Sexy Truffle. Eat your hearts out, people. Eat your hearts out.