Category Archives: Treasures from the Archives

Chloe, the Lanyard Queen

Chloe is driving me crazy. She’s in that arts & crafts phase again – and this time, it’s lanyards. I spent most of my morning before heading off to work learning a “brick stitch.” I really have no patience for this stuff.

A brick stitch is different from the traditional “box stitch” in that it’s two box stitches side by side. And it’s a pain in the ass because you have to hold all the strings together. And they get twisted. And, really, it’s not like I didn’t have better things to do with my time this morning than to spend 20 minutes looping string.

But I love my daughter. And I didn’t want to let her down. Because if I did, I knew I wouldn’t hear the end of it. So I finally did it for her, and she was happy and gave me a hug before I left (which, of course, she would not have done had I failed her in any way).

It’s now 12 hours later, and Chloe has decided that she wants to start a new lanyard all by herself. And she’s hemming and hawing, because “it’s impossible and dumb!” And she’s having trouble, just like me. And she’s voicing her frustration, just like me – except that I curse, of course, and she just cries.

I know my Chloe, however. She is nothing if not determined, and I have every faith that before she goes to bed, or at least by morning, she will have figured out what she needs to do. And if she doesn’t, I’ll start crying, too.

This Will Have to be a Quickie

I don’t have much time, because I have some work to do – ick. I really do need to start playing the lottery.

Aquawoman in the photo. You all know I’m going to harp on Chloe’s prowess in the water until I’m blue in the face. Pride is a sin, isn’t it? That’s ok – I’m a heathen and I don’t believe in that stuff anyway.

This is the future Natalie Coughlin. I spoke to the swim coach at our local YMCA, and while I’m not interested in Chloe joining a swim team where she has to practice a million days a week, I am interested in some of the more advanced coaching-type programs they offer. She’ll have to try out in September, and we’ll take it from there. As long as Chloe continues to enjoy swimming, I’m not going to begrudge her the opportunity to advance. If she’s happy, I’m happy.

Right now, Chloe isn’t too happy because she’s trying to learn a new song for the piano (or in our case, the little keyboard). She’s getting increasingly frustrated. No surprise there – she takes after her mother. She’s getting so frustrated, however, that I think she might actually turn purple and explode. Which wouldn’t be good, because then our hopes for a gold medal or two in 2020 would explode along with her.

Drama Queen

This is our little Sophie, who has become an expert at using facial expressions to show her dismay at any perceived slight, which usually involves one of her parents saying “no” to her.

In other cases, it involves Chloe’s doing something to displease Sophie, such as taunting her by stealing one of her toys, or sticking her tongue out at her – typical sibling stuff.

In yet other cases, it involves Sophie getting a little boo-boo.

Sophie takes the drama to a whole new level, however. Because before she makes a face like the one in the photo, she’ll give one of us a sidelong glance to gauge if we’re going to react to her in what she deems an appropriate manner.

For example, if she stubs her toe, she’ll look at her Papa before she starts shedding the crocodile tears. If he says, “Ma pauvre Sophie, viens voir ton Papa” (“My poor Sophie, come to your Daddy”), she’ll immediately start in with the fake crying and tragic facial contortions. That crap doesn’t pass muster with me, of course. Which is why we have two daddy’s girls on our hands.

I’m happy to give her all the hugs and kisses she wants, in sickness and in health. But cut me a break Sophie – save the drama for the real stuff – remember that little story about crying wolf?

Dance Me Not

Yes, Lynyrd Skynyrd would be cringing at Chloe’s “dance” routine here. Not only is she completely missing the beat, but she’s attempting disco to the sounds of “Sweet Home Alabama!” Earth to Chloe, earth to Chloe! Your decades are all mixed up! For shame!

Now that all of my loyal readers have a had laugh at my darling Chloe’s expense, I do have some good news. You see, Chloe is not without talent. And during these Olympic games, I am starting to enjoy visions of Chloe someday joining the ranks of Michael Phelps and Dara Torres. Yes, she’s a swimmer.

She’s apparently a damn good swimmer, too. It’s official – Chloe has evolved from a “Minnow” to a “Fish.” Yes – it’s the second to last level in the YMCA swimming program. And I am very proud – she’s not even eight years old! She’s very excited about her progress, of course, and wants to announce it to the world.

My mind is reeling with the possibilities. Maybe she’ll be discovered! Maybe she’ll get endorsements! Maybe she’ll win a gold medal someday! Go, Chloe, go!

Sophie the Moralist Speaks Out

Sophie is a tattletale moralist.

When she woke up this morning, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, the very first thing she said was, “Papa, you ate ice cream. Mommy ate ice cream. You need to eat fruit now.” Obviously, she couldn’t get the ice cream we enjoyed – the previous night, mind you – out of her head.

Some more Sophie quotes: “Chloe said ‘poop!’ Chloe said ‘poop!'” This wasn’t actually true, but we forgive her.

“Chloe hit me!” That’s usually true.

“Chloe farted!” That wasn’t true this particular time. Sophie was actually the culprit.

“Chloe burped!” That’s sometimes true.

“Chloe, don’t say those words! ” “That’s not nice, Chloe!” These are frequent admonishments.

When she’s with me in my red putt-putt car, “Mommy, you driving too fast. Slow down!”

The other day, Chloe and a friend were having a little argument. “Stop fighting!” she yelled.

The good news is that it looks like she’s learning right from wrong…the bad news is she’s driving all of us crazy!

More of Chloe’s Favorite Jokes

I should probably give credit where credit is due. The jokes appear in “The Giant Book of Cool Stuff.”

(1) Q: What’s the difference between an elephant and a flea?
A: An elephant can have fleas but a flea can’t have elephants.

(2) Q: What steps would you take if a bull chased you?
A: Big ones.

(3) Q: Why do giraffes have long necks?
A: Because their feet stink!

(4) Q: Why did they cross a homing pigeon with a parrot?
A: So if it got lost it could ask for directions.

(5) Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.

(6) Q: When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
A: When you’re a mouse.

(7) Q: Ten cats were on a boat, one jumped off, how many were left?
A: None, they were all copycats.

Woe is Yogurt

I am still amazed by the completely outsized, disproportionate reactions of my daughters to disappointment.

Take Chloe this evening. She wanted one of her yogurts (Stonyfield Farm French Vanilla, to be exact) but there were none left. She had eaten the last one yesterday. Thirty minutes and many loud groans and tears (!!!), later, she agreed to try one of my yogurts – a raspberry variety.

Chloe said she “kind of” liked it – but she was still in tears and her obstinancy got the better of her. Even though she obviously thought my yogurt wasn’t as bad as she thought it would be, she couldn’t bring herself to swallow her pride and eat it. So she cried some more. Until she settled on a different snack and an orange before bed.

I told her that I don’t keep a running inventory of the refrigerator contents and that it’s up to her to let us know when we’re out of something she likes to eat. She needs to take on some responsibility for crying out loud. I’m flattered that she thinks her parents are all-knowing, but we must disabuse her of that extremely dangerous notion ASAP. Before we run out of her yogurts again.

Chloe’s Favorite Jokes


I’d like to thank my lovely and obliging daughter, Chloe, for providing me with content for my blog entry this evening. It’s good to have someone who can fill in for me every once in a while.

(1) Q: Why do four-legged animals dance badly?
A: Because they have two left feet.

(2) Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: It’s time to get a new fence!

(3) Q: What do you get when you cross a mountain lion and a parrot?
A: I don’t know, but you better listen when it talks!

(4) Q: What did the duck say when she finished shopping?
A: Just put it on my bill.

(5) Q: What do you call an elephant in a telephone box?
A: Stuck.

(6) Q: What did the snail say when he hitched a ride on the turtle’s back?
A: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

(7) Q: What’s a slug?
A: A snail with a housing problem.